"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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