Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
This is the high leading the old right now
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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