You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
It was confusing and full of hummus
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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