I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
