Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
