My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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