Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i came on her dog
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
