When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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