the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
God, I missed his penis.
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