I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
