we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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