How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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