so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
