bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
