he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
