What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i think im in europe. pls send help
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
