just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
