I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
