Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize