I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I have post one night stand depression
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