I could make wine with my vomit
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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