Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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