i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
