I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize