i don't like sucking hair
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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