Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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