Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize