Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
