Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
