we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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