new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
