I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
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