I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
