i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
