I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
