I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
