One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
This is my gift to your gina
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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