You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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