she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
