my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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