Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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