nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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