you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
