APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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