TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
