; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
