my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Still dying that you shit outside
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
