Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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