roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
