how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize