Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
