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Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
