i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
