Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize