did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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