community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
