Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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